VEGETARIAN EGG ROLLS
20 mar 2006

so a few nights ago, daniel & i wandered up to the grocery store -- mostly so i could get apples for friday night's crisp, but also b/c the cupboard? she was bare. i have no recollection of what i had for dinner that night, but i do remember that we picked up some frozen vegetable egg rolls for him, & i stuck them in the toaster oven & yet, at the end of twenty minutes, they were still totally sogged out. which ew. also, he thought they tasted, & i quote, "gross."

so i got this idea into my head that i wanted to make egg rolls. i googled recipes, i searched on allrecipes.com & epicurious.com, i tried to come up with SOMETHING that didn't require ground pork, or at least suggested a reasonable substitution (b/c, let's face it, tofu won't do & i just wasn't sure how to make up for the lost volume), i even looked through my cookbooks (although Moosewood's on thin ice, i can tell you that).

well, foodnetwork.com + our good pal emeril came to the rescue! even though he's hardly veg-friendly -- & sometimes i get the feeling that he'd bathe in rendered pork fat if he could do it without being totally offensive -- he somehow at some point in his storied TV career has made vegetarian egg rolls. this particular recipe was rated a "medium" on the skill level scale, but i was undaunted due to previous frying experience, & since it required minimal messing around with vegetables & only 15 minutes of preparation time (when will i learn??), i got all excited & drove straight to the grocery store after work to get everything on the ingredients list so i could fry up some egg rolls while daniel sat in his audio aesthetics class.

INGREDIENTS
2 tablespoons sesame oil
2 tablespoon canola oil
1/2 head green cabbage, shredded
1 cup julienne carrots
1 cup julienne snow peas
1 tablespoon corn starch
1/4 cup soy sauce
8 egg roll wrappers
peanut oil (for deep frying)
1/4 cup dry mustard
1/4 cup water
cilantro leaves, garnish

METHOD
in a skillet over medium-high heat, heat the sesame & canola oil. sauté cabbage for 2 minutes. add carrots & snow peas. cook an additional 1 minute. whisk together cornstarch & soy sauce until smooth. stir into vegetable mixture. cook until sauce comes to a boil & is slightly thickened, about 2 minutes. remove from heat & cool.

lay the egg roll skins on a flat surface & lightly brush edges with water. place 1/8 of the filling at one end of each skin, leaving a 1/4-inch border at the top & sides. roll wrapper over filling, tucking in the ends after the first roll.

heat 3-inches of peanut oil in a large, deep saucepan. when the oil is hot, about 350 degrees F, fry the egg rolls until golden brown, about 2 to 3 minutes. remove from the fryer & drain on paper towels. season with essence.

to serve, slice each egg roll in half, diagonally & place on each serving plate. combine dry mustard with water. drizzle each egg roll with the hot mustard. garnish with cilantro leaves.

DEVIATIONS & OBSERVATIONS
maybe it's just the two emeril recipes in a row, but seriously, what universe does this guy live in where julienning carrots & snow peas & shredding cabbage = 15 minutes of prep time? & also, is there a good trick to julienning things quickly? maybe i should investigate that. or, you know, maybe emeril demonstrated that on one of his shows, but sadly, as delicious as the man's recipes are, i can't bear to watch him & his incessant lizard-like lip-licking, like, ENOUGH ALREADY.

that being said, i did the best i could with what i have & it seemed fine. no problems as far as sautéeing the vegetables or getting the sauce mixed up (apparently a whisk has appeared in my drawer of utensils & i have no recollection of buying it or receiving it as a gift from my mom (although the later is more likely true)).

now, given the well-documented fact that i can barely put together a bean & cheese burrito that stays rolled, you'd think i'd have massive problems trying to deal with something that has to be sealed up well enough to fry, right?

THINK AGAIN, b/c i am an AWESOME egg roll roller. it helps that i've made crab rangoon with my aunt & cousin several times over the years (a few of which, yes, exploded in the oil, but that's neither here nor there), but also, can you just give me a little credit? PLEASE? b/c i am NOT as inept as you may have been led to believe by some of the earlier recipes on this site (gnocchi, i'm looking in your direction) -- although, admittedly, they caused me to question my own abilities & say, on more than one occasion, "i guess i'm just not that good of a cook. huh." but given my successes in recent days, i think it's fair to blame the recipes! & not me! for i am the awesomest cook who ever awesomed! &, ok, i require detailed instructions, yes, & possibly visual aids, but i am not sucky!

so i got the egg rolls packaged up all in a row & set about frying them, which included a wrongheaded foray into the land of Maybe I'll Fry Them In This Stockpot Since The Skillet's Not Deep Enough before i realized, duh, i have a wok. i really wish i'd remembered that before i dumped all the oil into the stockpot, b/c another dish to wash isn't really on my list of things i can't wait to do, & ps, i ALSO wish i'd thought to clean the kitchen AFTER deep-frying instead of giving it a good thorough scrubbing the day before, like, what was i thinking???!

& so this brings us to a word about frying:
i'm really good at it. seriously. it's something i wish i could put on my CV, but sadly, deep frying isn't a skill set that's sought after in the heady world of Research Assistantships. their loss.

i honed my frying talents through years of latke-making with my grandma, working my way through the ranks from Latke Taster to Latke Patter (SOMEONE has do damage control on the grease situation) to, now, Latke Co-Fryer. & over the years, i learned that the two keys to successful frying are: 01. to wait for the oil to get REALLY HOT & 02. to have enough oil.

& let me tell you: 3 inches of oil? is both just right &, like, a CRAZY amount of oil. like a whole bottle's worth, & i am NOT fooling around. so it's kind of disgusting & kind of wasteful & yet kind of FREAKING DELICIOUS.

here's the other thing, is that i totally, if i'm going to do this (or any other kind of deep frying) again, require one of those wire spoon/shallow basket thingies, b/c the old plastic slotted spoon wasn't quite what i had in mind, although it worked all right in a pinch. except for the part where it left huge puddles of oil on the countertop &, before i realized it was a terrible idea, on the stove. (b/c i have a habit of resting utensils on the middle of the stove between the burners.) terrible idea b/c, hello, GREASE FIRE. although, ironically, the only fire happened when i tried ever so carefully to wipe up the peanut oil puddle with a paper towel, which promptly caught fire. finally, my first kitchen fire! hello, non-working smoke detector!

so after totally screwing up the first egg roll by being impatient -- what did i JUST SAY about waiting for the oil to get hot enough?? -- i fried the rest of them BEAUTIFULLY & was feeling quite smug & sure of myself as daniel & i sat down to eat. i totally deep-sixed the mustard b/c daniel prefers duck sauce*, & also, did i mention that i did NOT season the vegetables with "Essence"?** b/c no.

anyway.
THEY. WERE. GOOD.
i'd futz around with the sauce on the vegetables some (too soy-saucey, probably needs garlic &/or ginger), but daniel thought they were perfect & i thought they were pretty damn good, too. now if only i didn't have to walk around smelling like i fell into a vat of french fry grease ...

* not actually made of ducks
** which, btw, i am convinced is pure MSG

"Vegetarian Egg Rolls" from Emeril Live, 2003.